Friday, February 22, 2013

What Frank Martin Really Wanted to Say


We were a little taken aback after hearing of Frank Martin's epic rant last week following a loss to SEC doormat LSU. And even when coaches go too far in bashing their team, they still don't fully say what they want to say. So, below are the Top 8 quotes from Frank Martin's press conference (as ordered by USA Today) in bold and what he actually wanted to say below in italics:

  1. (On a list of former players Martin has coached, including Jacob Pullen, Rodney McGruder, Denis Clemente, Brent Wright, Sylbrin Robinson, Udonis Haslem, Steve Blake, Jose Baseu, Gimel Martinez, Allen Edwards, Steve Edwards and Doug Edwards) If I had any of them on my team, then I'd have a guy I could trust on my team. So we'd be all right tomorrow.
    1. If only South Carolina were more like a high school team, then at least we’d be respectable...
  1. We lead the country in air-ball layups.
    1. The players understood when I told them we’ll be doing the ole 2-man and 3-man layup drills before games now. But they were excited when I told them they’d get orange slices at halftime and a star crunch and juice box after the game...
  1. If you've got no life for what you do, then you shouldn't do it. If you've got no passion for what you do, then you shouldn't do it. Right now, we're passionless, and we're lifeless.
    1. Well at least they live in a beautiful city, with lots of green space, and no crime. What? Columbia was voted 3rd worst city to live in by Men’s Health? Oh, maybe that explains it...
  1. If you take Bruce Ellington off our team, you'd probably have the 12 leading candidates for the starring roles in ... The Return of the Living Dead, the zombie movie.
    1. I bet watching a zombie movie marathon, full of screaming teenage girls, would be more fun than this. Actually, that sounds like a great team activity. I bet if we convince Bruce to go, everyone else will too...
  1. If I've lost them, then they better disappear, because it's going to be hard for them to be here next year if I've lost them 10 months into the job.
    1. Please disappear. Except for you way down there on the end of the bench. What’s your GPA? Good – you can stay – we’ll need you to keep everyone else eligible...
  1. I've been doing this for 28 years, nine of which as a junior varsity high school coach. That means I've dealt with 14-year-olds. I've never been more embarrassed to call myself a basketball coach than I am today.
    1. I bet some of those Miami high school teams could beat this one – wait, don’t mention high school. They might remember my recruiting “indiscretions”...
  1. If this was the NBA, we'd fine them, we'd take their money, we'd release them and say, 'Good luck with ever finding another job.'
    1. If this was football, we would fine them, especially with what they make from bagmen. Don’t let anyone know, but we actually tell everyone at school here: “Good luck ever finding a job.”
  1. I have never been so embarrassed. I shouldn't coach basketball ever again if this is how my team plays.
    1. With what they’re paying me, I should be able to buy my 28 years of retirement from the State and call it a day. I may even TERI a year, just because I can...
Coach Martin - as a Tiger fan, I say thank you (and keep it up)!

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